You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
