Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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