when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
