I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
