I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize