apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize