I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
