did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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