His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize