Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
