last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Never joke about your clitoris.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize