They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
How's work?
Spinning.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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