Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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