I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
