I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
