I think I died a long time ago.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
