I cut my penus on the lid.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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