I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
