Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
false alarm, still single
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
