sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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