ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
