Kiss
Puke
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i think i scared a bird with my dick
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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