I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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