My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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