Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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