your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
