dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
