In the future we'll all be gay
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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