Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
