i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I touched a dick in church today
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize