idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I'm going to jail i love you
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
