I'm passing your future prison.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
