My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
