How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
