if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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