Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
