I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
