babies were throwing up all over the place
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Text me some of your sweat
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
