I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
