I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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