I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize