After last night, I could never be a politician.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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