Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
