Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
