The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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