...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
