If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize