Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
