Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
