Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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