She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
