and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
