I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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