So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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