so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
