wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
