i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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