I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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