you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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