Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
