I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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